I know that this school-year, my blog hasn't exactly been the happiest place to be. For this, I sincerely apologise, but there is so much self-doubt and work and so little time. June 25, 2010. The day I have waited for since the starting of grade eight. It's Graduation Day, and I think that I could give up everything I have just to get into my first choice university and to get out of this city which is full of memories I don't quite necessarily want to remember.
The thing I want most next year is a fresh start. I don't want it to be a new chapter of my life, I want it to be a completely new book with empty pages that need to be written. I want it to be exciting, I want it to have less complications. I want it to be everything my life isn't right now, because my life currently consists of a boring routine which revolves around school and work and a whole lot of screen-time. I'm bored, and I wish something particularly extraordinary would happen and throw me off my feet so wildly that I soar.
I feel couped up in this city, I am meant for things much bigger. I always say this, and you all must think I'm so awful and cocky, but when you're meant for something big, you can feel it in your soul. You feel motivation, you change as seasons do, your perspective is enlightened, even through stress. You just know. And I am saying right now, that I, Maleeha Ghani, know that I am meant for bigger things.
By bigger things, I don't mean I'm going to be famous. In fact, it's doubtful I'll be famous. Fame, popularity; these things don't mean anything to me. I want to live comfortably, not luxuriously. I want to live happily in love, not a cougar.
I once said that maybe people work for their happy endings all their lives, and it never comes. I think differently now. I think that if you work hard enough for what you believe in, you are destined to a reward. It doesn't matter when you recieve it or in what form you recieve it; the fact that you had it at one point or another is enough to enlighten you for the rest of your life, because that is how deeply the reward impacts you.
This is why I refuse to be upset over this ridiculous Alex thing because it is his fault that he is a DB, not mine. It's his karma he's fucking up, not mine. I just don't understand how you can "have feelings" for one person and then also think that you are "staying true" to another person at the same time. He's just made me realise how much stronger being in love with Matt made me. I may not be terribly in love with Matt anymore, I may have put everything between us away in a shelf, but he changed me completely, for the better.
This is quite possibly I have not cried over Matt Mitchell, this is why I am not heartbroken. Yes, my heart is sore from having fallen so terribly fast and hard for my best friend, but it is not broken. I think of him, and I think of what a wonderful first love he was, I think of how cinematic it all was. It wasn't novel-written perfect because a white flag was put up, but it was cinematically beautiful. It wasn't perfect, but it was heaven-on-earth on most days.
Oh, that heaven-on-earth feeling, that wonderful chemical reaction where your stomach turns, stars are all you see. It really is the best feeling in the world, but with it comes risks. The risk of heartbreak when your dreams don't work the way you want them to, the risk of your banking most of your life on what you hold most important. I suppose that is what life is about though, risks. If you don't take them, you'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere as everyone else will fade into the distance, into their dreams.
♥maleeha.
